"In the News", an Essay

[Not so far off from what they really publish, eh?]

Catcalls
Cute College Girl Embarrassed

AUSTIN, TX -- Every day at the University of Texas at Austin, thousands of students walk to and fro between where they live and where their classes are on campus. Unfortunately, for some students, the walk is more harsh than it is for others.

This story based on first-hand accounts by ace reporter Ben Turner, the victim, who was a young, cute, blonde sorority chick, was minding her own business walking home when she was bothered by two "revolting and depressing" men.

"When I saw the two men sitting on their asses on the raised pavement next to the sidewalk, I knew instantly they were the types who would have comments for everyone who walked past them," Turner stated bitterly.

Turner spotted the woman walking in his direction, about to pass the two "drunken louts," as he described them, and he knew trouble was in the works.

"As she walked by, I saw that the men said something to the woman, and her response was something to the effect of an offended head lowering, brisker pace, and unassertive blushing countenance. Obviously the men had made some lewd comment to her and she really felt threatened by it. Frankly, I'm disgusted and feel sorry for the woman," Turner claimed. His further comments about how he'd usually have nothing to say about a sorority chick except negative remarks, were omitted in this article.

"Why can't men have the self-control to respect a woman and not bother her when she walks past? Do these ********s really expect women to fall for their ******* propositions?"

Turner concluded his account stating, as he walked past the men moments later, that he heard the men saying, "Hey, well maybe she would've gone with me up to the second floor and got nekkid with me."

Statistics show that 2% of all men with this sort of attitude are able to find women who will put up with them. Out of that 2%, 100% are in positions of power or wealth and are not homeless high school flunkies who sit next to the sidewalk for day-long entertainment.

No more cooperative or objective witnesses than our own ranting reporter, Turner, could be found at the scene.

Trouble in Paradise
Arkansas Attention-Lovers Open Fire

JONESBORO, AK -- Two boys who found themselves empowered by having firearms, traditionally viewed as tools of the weak-minded, decided earlier this week that they would confirm everyone's opinions that they were white trash kooks by dressing up in camouflage, perching themselves in trees, and making the call of a school fire drill to induce students to fly towards their vicinity, just like a hunter does in order to shoot fowl. Then the disturbed boys opened fire on the rounded-up school body, killing four students and a teacher before being apprehended by police.

Early reports are sketchy and do not get into the motives of the pre-sentient teenagers, but some say that one boy opened fire on the harmless students in order to seek revenge on a female student who rejected him.

Authorities, many of whom are male, found that excuse pathetic in explaining what caused the boys to go over the edge and fire on students, claiming that "every man has been rejected countless times by women in their lives."

And, since not a report goes by without Mr. Turner's boisterous voice being heard, Turner exclaimed, "Welcome to the real world, little boys! You don't always get what you want, immature bastards! You just screwed up your futures, your dreams, and everything else for you and your family. And you deserve it."

A brief interview performed in order to placate Turner, it was discovered that he feels this event was a sad time for everyone: the South, battling the well-evidenced generalization that Southerners are usually the ones who have these mass murders (UT Austin students know this -- not a guest leaves town without cracking a joke about the tower at UT); TV and movies, battling the scapegoat status they've received from irresponsible parents who believe violence in the media causes violence in impressionable children; and all the students and parents, who simply want a calm public school system, directly affected by the slayings. Perhaps overly dismissive and unknowing of all the events which led up to the murders, Turner emoted, "Death to them. Or, at least, prison without parole. We don't need them on this planet. And get rid of that stupid law protecting juveniles. It no longer applies."

Analysts are currently speculating as to whether this will improperly receive more attention than the school murders in Great Britain.

Said Turner, "Put people together and all you get is trouble."

Sensitive Male
Area College Student Misses Girlfriend

AUSTIN, TX -- In an unprecedented move Thursday, a male human being publicly announced that he missed his girlfriend, and felt no reason to apologize to other male humans afterwards.

Ben Turner, currently a student at the University of Texas at Austin, has published in his online Soapbox that he wishes his Swedish girlfriend would come home. Currently she is in Paris, unreachable to the pining Turner except by phone.

"I usually get to talk to my sweetie online for at least an hour a day when she's at home and has access to her computer," Turner bemoaned.

Turner had a lot to say on the subject:

"Sweet Anna, for still another week will you be absent from me, and until then it shall remain difficult for me to be optimistic, kind, or open-hearted to all the ignorant people and ridiculous events I run into every day.

"Remember Christmas? It was so long ago, that time when I was able to spend three weeks physically with you, and even so, we've only completed half the time it will take before we are able to meet again. Half a semester I've managed to survive so far, yet I still have another half to complete. I have to register for next semester, finish up my classes, do well on the finals, move back home, and God knows what else I'll be subjected to. All this while missing you, yearning for your touch.

"Let me put it this way: your touch and the soothing sound of your voice have an irreproducible effect on my health -- I am only happy when I am with you, sweetheart. Living without you in my presence is like having a part of me shut off from any sort of access. Missing you cuts into the abilities of each and every one of my senses. What use is vision when it's not feasting upon observing your movements and graces and expressions? What use is smell when I cannot inhale your addictive perfume? How much good is there in tactile touch when my fingertips can't delight upon your lively cheeks or soft hands? What good is the mind when I cannot delight in conversation with you?

"The mind I can manage -- I've kept myself busy reading the books you gave to me. But the senses I have trouble with. Love is a demanding creature -- it lusts for the freedom to experience the object of its interest anytime it wants. If denied even for a brief instant, Love urges itself upon its bearer tenfold.

"Will the days willingly shorten in length so that I might have you back sooner? I miss you. I miss knowing how you're doing. I miss making you happy, and being made happy by your presence. Most couples never have to go through this. Sometimes I feel like splitting them apart for months at a time, just so they know how lucky they are.

"I love you, Anna, and I always have. Ever nearer stalks our one-year anniversary, and, as far as I'm concerned, that's a grand achievement since we must settle for loving each other through the Internet. How many can match such a feat?

"You're my special woman, my only woman, and my love, affection, respect, and trust for you far exceed those for any other people I know. Knowing that you feel the same is something I never take for granted. The bad attract the bad, but what's truly precious is that the good attract the good. Thank you for validating my existence.

"I hope the summer comes soon, and that our plans are finalized quickly, so that I can once more indulge in you, as I should rightly be able to.

"Enjoy the rest of your time in Paris, sweetie. It's very important that you are there for your education and experience, and I'll have a surprise waiting for you when you return. Take care, my love -- I miss you."

Standing up to public scrutiny that this report was fabricated, the published essay has been confirmed to be true by several different news organizations.