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Estonian Gangsta Slammin', October 21, 2001 :: Ben Turner's Soapbox

 

the soapbox @ benturner.com
archived soapbox: October 21, 2001
"Estonian Gangsta Slammin'" [permalink]
    keywords: estonia, rhymes, rapping, thugs, sheep
    soapbox #: 316
    written: October 21, 2001
    words: 1281

"Estonian Gangsta Slammin'", an Essay

benturner.com is proud to present its newest recording artist, Macky Mac, the phattest most lowdown Estonian hiphop G bling bling you ain't nevah seen before. Some lyrical sampling of this hard rhymin' street shit:


Shot Callin' Muh Sheep Biznitches


Unh...unh...where muh sheep at?
I said, where the fuck are muh sheep at?!

Wake up in Tallinn, anotha fuckin' rainy day,
We 'bout to raise up whether it be December or May
I gots da sheep to tend, and muh skrill to make
And to all muh sheep biznitches, here's what I got ta say:

You ain't muh baby momma
And you got no boot knockin' 'bilities,
But I shave you down, like I know you like
And make my imitation wool Fubu, Hilfiger, Nik --
Eeeeeeez, if you please
And if I'm starvin', your milk churned ta chee --
Zeeeey, facheezie on the reezie

Uh hunh, I'm shot callin' muh sheep biznitches
An' yo, I still get paid
Muh sheep know muh name Maccy Mac from Saaremaa to Idavirumaa
Das west coast to east coast fo' you igno'-American sonabitches

Muh sheep line up just to hear me speak,
And they don't be playin' me for no ho-slut choosin' fee
Cause dey know who keeps it da realest
It's da Estonian nigga from Tallinn,
Da sheep-herdin' hiphop gangsta rhymist

An' what more, dey know I protect muh flock
Cause they muh own peoples an' I gots da big cock

An' I don't put up wit no weakass niggaz
Puttin' up that bling bling barbwire shit wit six figgaz
Muh shizzeep to me bizzeep whenever a fence dey wanna lizzeap

An' I be right dere in my Lada premiere
It ain't too fast but it get me there...
In fo-ty minutes, or wheneva da blizzard clears

So next time yo honkey ass show up in Estonia,
An' you see a flock grazin' on da native flora,
Be realizin' dat shit belong to me,
Macky Mac, notorious B.I.G,
An' get yo ass outta town befo I load muh deucey-deucey

And to all muh sheep biznitches, tanan!
I don't want yo cootch like dem filty Norgies,
I just need yo wool an' milk an' love
So I can fuck muh hoez widout chill or cold
When the temp-rature hits da minus fiddies.

Fist Fulla Krooni


I'm a no-limit soldjaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Yup yup yup, wooord, it's fuckin' Saturday,
An' you know what time it iz
It be time to take muh fruit an' dairy shit to da market
Time to throw my dogs on ya
Time to ball dat produce shit outta control

When those fakas see me comin'
Pullin' up in muh jacked up Smart Car shit,
Restin' they fat azzes on they hoopdies,
They run fo' covah cause they know they got da fear

I open the door and da bitches run up,
Eager to get a slice of the Macky Mac in full fuckin' farmin' action
Muh goat posse rushes out da door of muh ride,
An' inflict they pain by eatin' those lameass niggaz' grub

I'm ready, ready to make da bones,
Line dat shit up and knock it all down,
Muh Estonian homies buy it up like Donald Trump on muh phone,

I gots da krooni pourin' outta muh bearfur coat,
Krooni outta every orifice
Krooni in muh fineass bitches' thongs
Krooni in muh buzzcut hair

Lambskin, lutes, carrots, an' bootlegs of Baha Men,
I sell you suckaz Ace of Base, bellbottoms, flatbread, an' do it again,
An' you know?  I sell it all like Dr. Dre's first album
I come and go fasta than a hot chica's orgazzzzzz

"Uhhhmmm, Macky Mac, what you say?"

You heard, I go back home
I light da lanterns in muh clay cave wit hundred dolla bills
I put caviar on muh bitchez' poonani and take a mouthfull
I turn on da bigscreen 15" TV an' roam all 15 channels...premium cable, foo'

I been rollin' in dough since ninety-four,
Not long after those hooridin' Soviets gone run home to momma poor
I sleep on a bed of cash money and wipe muh azz wit a fist fulla krooni
It all da same to me
Anotha day of farmin' an' I make another five hundred eighty

I own muh hood, an' no one mess wit me
Cause I'm a no-limit soldja an' no one messes wit da money

The world hain't yet heard,
But soon they will
That Macky Mac am da new bigass pimp on da block
An' I'm turnin' this chump planet into muh lair, where tha tigresses be lured

An' when it's all fuckin' said an' done
You all gonna be buyin' taters from me
Cause all I gonna do is turn yo crib into a field
An' farm it till you do yoself in wit a gun.

I gots da fistful of krooni, I gots da fistful of krooni
I gots da fistful of krooni, I gots a fistful of you.

In There Like Swimwear (Estonian in Georgia hillbilly remix)


Hey yo fuck that!
I ain't no American
I ain't no cash money gangsta,
I ain't even black

But I'm tired of yo shit
Droppin' bombs from yo' rankass Roland drum kit
Some punkass mothafucka from Geo-gia
Wit on da wall a Confed-rate flag,
I thought I told-jia

I'm Macky Mac
Fuck all o' you all
O' y'all (as you say)
Yo hillbilly bumpkin azz don't mean shit
When I bust into yo redneck town
A stowaway in da wheel bay of an Estonian passenger jet

Muh white cracker ass breaks into yo Suthun skewl
An' I be breakin' all da rulez
Takin' all yo' bitches wit muh goatfarmin' charmin'
Leavin' you at 3AM on da phone wit skanky azz hoodrats booty callin'

You bitch an' complain 'bout da projects,
Yo brothas get gunned down every day,
Sellin' dank to da pigs an' to da crips,
But you ain't seen shit till you seen da Estonian hood,
Drive-by gangsta Lada bangin' da clay huts
Droppin' muh west coast soldjas an' muh east coast goat niggaz
An' leavin' da blood of muh family's farm chicken
Streaked across the dirt road like a ho on da rag

But wai-wai-wait it gets worse,
I show up first day at tryouts on da basketball courts,
An' cross yo' ass so bad it turn yo shorts inna skirts

An' I spin yo ass left, fade right,
Drain dat 3 point shit day and night,
An' when dat ball comes off da rim,
Muh six footy six lanky white skillz
Take da rock and put it back up again
Two-fisted, ya heard, like Shaq on da attack
Ball bouncin' through da rim an' off yo' dumbass head

Shit yo, I been here three dizzays
An' I be speakin' better English dan you
To suave yo momma innoo a good lizzay

It ain't my fault,
Dumbass bitch,
I gots dat European educational assault up in dat shit

We learn yo' tongue,
We come to yo' land,
We fuck yo' bitches and then we go back home a man

An' why?

Cause we in there, in there like swimwear,
From Geo-gia to New York City,
We rutti poo yo skewls an' work fo' six dolla fiddy

An' you can't do shit to stop us,
Cause we da Great White Hope,
We wear wool hats an' our rhymes be dope

So step aside wit yo Bubba Sparxxx bammer shit,
An' give ups to the new boys in town
Muh posse from Estonie,
Led by the mighty Macky Mac,
Da billyest goat-bearded billykid of them all,
Da fattest most illest international emcee.


 
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