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"The Atkins Diet"

[written May 7, 2002]

I am a disgusting fat sow.

According to the Army, anyway. At 6'1", I have very little body fat, can run 2 miles in under 13 minutes, look thin, and weigh just about 3 pounds under the maximum weight limit according to the Army.

So obviously I am in need of losing some weight. =P

The other day, people in my class started talking about the Atkins diet. I was like, "What be this diet?" and someone responded, "You like meat?" and I said, "I love meat!" and she said, "The Atkins diet be non-stop eating of meat," and I retorted, "Meat meat meat," and everyone was like, "Meat meat meat meat meat."

And thus inspiration was born in our classroom. Now everyone is on the Atkins diet. It's just all meat, all the time. Say it with me, "Meat meat meat." In class, all we talk about is how good some food would be with meat. Our Arabic teachers aren't too happy about us recommending hummus or gyros with bacon bits in it. But we're ecstatic. Rolling up luncheon meat with cheese from the chow hall and eating it. Eating homemade beef jerky in class, along with cheese squares. Dreaming about meat during naps during class breaks. Talking about the ideal meat combination for dinner. Wondering how benevolent a god must be to create a cow, pig, and chicken, and then in a twisted Josef Mengele sort of way, contemplating the possibility of combining all three animals for one supreme meal. Suggesting they hand out meat at the UN to alleviate any conflict. Meat, the unheralded diplomatic source of the 21st century!

I went with my roommate to the store and he bought a small George Foreman grill for the room. We decided on a couple plastic plates, after contemplating just buying big serving bowls (in case we wanted to throw some meat into a massive bowl of cereal), and went to the check-out counter. The little Korean woman there said that the grill was a good buy. I told her it was for my all-bacon diet. She suggested cooking up some chicken breasts in the grill. I added that it'd be good only if it had bacon covering it.

After going to Whole Foods to get some pineapple and chicken sausages, as well as some basil and garlic sausages, and looking at hot, rich, older women there, then hitting the supermarket for some fish and chicken, not to mention a lot of Farmer John's bacon, we returned home to begin the new diet.

Within minutes of returning, the grill was sizzling and popping with sausage juice. The body count at the end of the night was four sausages and ten strips of bacon.

The sweet, succulent smell of meat wafted through the barracks hall, dispersing out later but not enough that the room didn't smell like meat the rest of the night. And in the morning, my roommate cooked up some salmon wrapped in bacon for breakfast.

What a diet!

The principles make sense, you'd think. Cut out carbohydrates and sugars such that the only thing your body has left to burn off is fat. No breads, no soda, few fruits.

The goal is to reach the initial ketosis, where you develop diarrhea and probably lose your hair or something. That's how you know it's working! Purge the body of carbs!

Now I sit in class drinking from a big jug of water (hydrate or die) while thinking about bacon. I share stories with friends about the Eskimo diet, which consists of a minimum of 3 porterhouse steaks a DAY, marvelling at it much the same way I marvel at seeing Green Berets walking around post.

I had a great idea at lunch today. We'd earlier discovered that the city "Bethlehem" was from the Arabic "bait laham", which means "house of meat". I suggested to my roommate how great it would be to have a sign above our door that read "Bait Laham".

The fruits of our labors are already paying off. Just yesterday, I had my door open and I heard two people talking down the hall. "Why does it smell like bacon in here all the time?" "I don't know, but it smelled like salmon this morning!"

They want in on it too!

I have high hopes. Maybe this lower carb diet will allow me to lose ten pounds, which will reduce some body fat and let me run faster. After all, how can eating meat 24/7 be wrong?

They say that once your diet changes, you begin to smell bad on the Atkins diet; I say it smells like ingenuity and achievement.

Some people are tired of us talking about meat. They say all we meat about is meat. Some meats complain that meat meat about meat 24 meats a meat. What a crock of meat. When 70% of people on a diet lose weight from it, and the other 30% just couldn't handle it, you know you've tapped into something.

PS: I already lost 5 pounds! Here's to meat.


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