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"Everything's Okay!"

[written December 9, 2001]

The media, in consortium with economists, retailers, and CEOs everywhere, has been sensationalizing the effects of 9/11 on the will of the American people to go out and support the economy. The reality is that people are listening to the President and getting back to their daily lives, with newfound loyalty to the qualities that make their nation so great.

So, Are You Like, Back Into the Market Yet?

If things are so bad, then why is the market above where it was before the 9/11 attacks? Decade lows in GDP and employment, plus flagging retail and travel sales? What horse pucky those economists' numbers are.

An NYSE floor trader laments not buying
CIEN at a bargain 200 P/E back in September
now that the stock is higher.

No one's going out to eat, see plays, go sightseeing? Anecdotal evidence. Tourism is down drastically in New York City? Come on. New Yorkers just want attention like always! The market is gonna rally just like after Desert Storm. Sales will improve with time. Just watch!

A trader disappointed with news that food
deliveries will no longer be made to the
NYSE floor. Stupid terrorists, making security
tighter and shit!

The market rallied after Desert Storm and eventually went to Dow 11k and Naz 5k and it will go higher this time. The news will get better and companies will start hiring tens of thousands of people again! Bring on the new new new economy. The golden age of prosperity!

"Buy me anything with a four letter ticker, NOW!
The Naz just crossed 2k!"

Laughs Up 33% Since 9/11

If you need more evidence of how well Americans are handling such a national tragedy, where else to look for the soul of American humor than the funnies page?

[B.C.] HAHAHAHA, Jesus Christ. How did they
even HAVE crayons back then? HILARIOUS!

I thought cartoonists' humor was getting a bit stale before the attacks, personally. I mean, you can't very well write about the perverted details of Bill Clinton's sex life when you know kids and old people are reading your cartoon daily. But luckily, terrorists ramming large commercial airliners into towers revitalized our vigor for politically related daily humor for the whole family.

[Wizard of Id] LOLOLOROFFLE, if they had this kind of humor
in Afghanistan, there wouldn't BE any war!

Not only are Americans more knowledgeable of the world they live in now, but even their willingness to discuss international events intelligently and in depth breaks down new walls for intellectualism. Cartoonists are now experimenting with radically different new forms of humor, such as the side-splitting Mark Trail:

Mark Trail is to humor what cubism was
to painting. Misunderstood by many
in its day, but unanimously recognized
as genius decades later.

Did I just laugh up my own spleen? Hahaha, blood hemorrhaging!

Courage and Selflessness

Our heroes of the silver screen are just simple people like us. It's hard to remember that, but many of them LIVE in target areas like New York and Los Angeles. But the fact that they've gone about their business and tried to move on with life is an inspiration to us all!

Take Shannon Elizabeth, and others for example, from this MSNBC blurb:

"In the mood for celeb spotting at Hollywood hot spots? These days it’s easier finding stars in L.A.’s smoggy skies. The terrorist threat has famous folks running for cover—or the nearest gas-mask purveyor. Jennifer Aniston backed out of charity gigs and plans to skip the twice-postponed Emmys. On the other coast, Gwyneth Paltrow admits she’s terrified during public appearances. And even B-list Shannon Elizabeth set up a safe house in Wyoming and bought mini gas masks for her five dogs. (Why would she be a target? Her performance in “Tomcats” wasn’t that bad.) “Because stars are used to being the focus of attention, they tend to feel more anxious than the rest of us who can take comfort in anonymity,” says Alan Hilfer, senior psychologist at Brooklyn’s Maimonides Medical Center. It’s strange to see stars worrying about terrorists. We’re just so used to their thinking only about themselves."

It's so SCARY. All that skin she showed in American Pie; she could've contracted skin contact anthrax! What a trooper! Such resolve to finish her take even in the face of adversity!

True American patriots: the cast from American Pie.
Shannon Elizabeth on far right.

Journalistic Integrity

I don't know about you, but after the OJ trial, American journalism was changed forever, for the worse. Then came Clinton, McVeigh, Clinton again, Clinton and his wife, a submarine accident in Hawaii, JFK Jr., and Condit. Did I leave anything out? Oh, only a hundred other unimportant media events.

But the attacks have made us strong again. The news outfits are sending their best and brightest to the front lines in Afghanistan to broadcast their hard-hitting coverage of a country where evil runs rampant. These honest souls risk their lives to discover the most accurate and genuine truth they can muster from a history of lies, deceit, and terrorism. Honest souls...like Geraldo:

NEW YORK (AP) - Fox News Channel correspondent Geraldo Rivera had a close call in Afghanistan (news - web sites) on Thursday, ducking to avoid sniper fire that came so close the sound of the bullets was picked up by his crew's microphones, a spokesman said.

``Geraldo said it was close to parting his hair,'' Fox News Channel spokesman Robert Zimmerman said.

[from Yahoo! Daily News]

HOLY SHIT, it could've parted his coiffe! His life ruined! An expedited military tribunal would have been in order for the sniper! And here we thought Geraldo was just a slimy tabloid journalist and now he's a hero in Afghanistan who is packing a gun in case he runs across Bin Laden!

How ashamed we must be to doubt the more well-known citizens of our great country. It's obvious our best and brightest are saying, "No, I will NOT give up, and you can give me liberty or give me death, you fucking screwed-up towel-wearing camel jockeys!"

Even I must retract my negativity now that I see our public servants reacting with such poise, patriotism, and bravery. All you families who lost loved ones in the attacks of 9/11 (and who must deal with the tangible grief of family death every day the rest of your lives), do not cry, for people like Shannon Elizabeth and her gas masked dogs are sharing your grief, as we all are.

Be proud!


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