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"You Could Win!"

[written November 11, 2001]

Hey, as an aside, do you know anyone who's EVER won one of those big promotional contests that companies have every once in a while?

You know what I'm talking about. You eat plenty of junk food too. They ALWAYS have some $1 million prize or a new car or five dancing showgirls or a free trip to Bali as part of the promotional crap pasted all over their packaging, making each little snacksize bag of Cheetos a clash of different colors challenging each other for control of your eye, and in the end all you ever get is a lot of yummy orange cheese goo on your fingers. =P

But come on. No matter how many damn Cokes I drink or McDonald's value meals I buy, I never fucking win anything!! And neither does anyone I know!

Oh, but McDonald's is a good example towards my argument. That huge sting on those McDonald's employees who had fixed the results of McDonald's Monopoly game was big news. Those guys rigged the pieces so they'd win and split the winnings! If you have cheaters like them operating behind the scenes, how the fuck are regular Joe's like you and me supposed to win?

I think there should be an investigation into the results of these contests. I mean, do you ever mail the company asking for printed results of the finalists and winner? Do you suspect that maybe they never really give anything away? Do you think that the Mr. John J. Alvarez listed as winning the new Mitsubishi Gallant actually got blown to bits in the Korean War many years ago?

We could unravel one of the greatest mysteries of marketing of all time. What if these were all just massive ploys to keep their people busy as well as to promote their product and squeeze an extra 1% growth in the next fiscal quarter? What if, were it not for some bumblefucks at Publisher's Clearing House, splitting the profits with some dirty accounting firm, I was actually the reigning winner of ten different contests? The punitive damages alone in a case like this could escalate quickly. I think my neck is beginning to twinge just thinking about it. =P

These stupid contests never added up. Sure you might win a box of french fries or a milkshake, but you never know anyone who really cashed in on these things. Or do you? Did they disappear one night, never to return? =P Did they suddenly stop talking for the rest of their lives after some men dressed in suits with briefcases accosted them in a parking garage? Do you look at a company and believe its smarmy little "we care about you so we're having this contest" message?

Exactly who's holding these companies with such extravagant promotions responsible, and where do I go to sign on to the class action lawsuit?

Know what the scary part is? This started off as a joke, but it's almost semi-serious now! When was the last time a company reached out with its hairy hooves and gave you something worth owning that you didn't have to spend 5 hours on a phone or $50 out of your account to get?

Promotional directors of the world, perhaps you can tell me: WHERE IS MY PRIZE, YOU PINKO COMMIE BASTARDS? =P


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