[written a long time ago, 5/18/00; evidently, crushes make you completely devoid of any ability to use complex adjectives or sentence structure]
She has completely handicapped me and it hurts now. Her name strikes me cleanly and forcefully. I can't even listen to certain songs anymore because those are the songs she casually sang while I read the song lyrics she wrote on her roommate's computer. She is one of the most precious things I have ever seen in the whole of this world. She opened up her poems and lyrics up to me for some unknown reason, their themes regarding the aftershock of being left by a lover, and I do not know why she chose to let me read them. I wish it was because she trusted me and liked me. There she sang songs like "My Own Worst Enemy" by Lit and it was exquisitely beautiful. I remarked on it to her. She seemed surprised that I would comment, but I found it quite exceptional that she was one of those spirits who would break into a song with an angelic voice out of the blue, particularly with a near stranger. This is rare. I cherished every syllable immediately.
She made me feel so lucky and blessed when I heard her sing. It was musical notes from the heavens and it was completely spellbinding. I at that moment was in the presence of a free, living woman expressing herself through beautiful music. At that moment she had me and could have done anything she wanted to me.
Wait wait, let's go back. She sat me all throughout the second semester of French class and I, like a dumbass, never really talked to her. She was the type who kept to herself, in such a manner that she didn't want to be approached.
One day nearer to the end of the semester we were listing body parts in French and she remarked about loving her red hair, as if inviting an affirmative compliment from my side.
After we took our finals, everyone from our class was outside while the people from the other classes had all left. Our teacher, who was from Montpelier, had done a remarkable job bonding us all together such that we were all united outside afterwards like that. They even threw a party afterwards. I ended up going to relax and get something to eat, and the girl went as well. We ended up talking for hours. I walked her home and on the way she invited me to watch Reality Bites since I hadn't seen it.
So the next day I was there.
My god, what she did to me in a few short days. It was as if everything else in the world vanished while she was comfortable enough to open herself up in my presence. If only she had fallen in love with me. If only she had taken a chance at the end of the semester, before my graduation. If only. If only. If only. I could listen to her night and day. I have some sort of complex where I love to see women expressing themselves in ways that make them happy or sad, or whatever it may be. To just see them there, living and breathing life, and to just admire...
One time she picked up the phone and was talking to who I think was her mom. I was sitting down on her bed (it was a small dorm room) and she was standing next to me. I looked up at her fixedly and admired her. I got to see up close how precious she was. Every once in a while she would look down at me and half-smile, almost with the familiarity that couples begin to have with each other, the familiarity of feeling "there is my precious person there, and I can feel the happiness in the sound of my voice and can see the happiness in their face as well". It was almost as though we were in love...but not quite.
I also have trouble hearing "All I Want is You" by U2, since that was the ending song in Reality Bites. It's silly. She's Molly Ringwald, except even better. Now I can't help but watch Brat Pack movies.
She had to study for finals the next few days. I at that point didn't really care about my damn finals and cared about seeing her. Well, she blew me off and studied late but nevertheless invited me over to watch movies with her friends. So we did. And that was that. She was studying for her philosophy exam while the movie was on. She was valedictorian of her high school and she had straight A's and still she was studying. I admired that and let her know I did. You don't see this kind of blend of coolness with responsibility very often.
Oh, and rest assured, it wasn't like she was a geek or nerd. She had thriving, bouncy red hair and a small frame. Lovely. Tight shirts with straps predominantly with jeans and hints of bra straps underneath and green panties. There is no substitute for girls who know how to dress comfortably yet sexily with subtlety. It may come off as more slutty than it sounds, but these were details easy to miss. There's a difference between intelligent slutty and whore slutty, ask any guy. This was more like expert hinting of femininity.
I have a heart because of women like her. I could never comprehend that much beauty as a mere mortal, and it completely collapses my heart with its force and weight. Had she only not punctured it by telling me she didn't "feel [she] was missing a big opportunity" at this point in her life. Ouch ouch ouch.
I am like Ben Stiller's character in Reality Bites, well-intentioned but beat out by the Ethan Hawkes of the world.
I would give up everything in order to be in the presence of such beauty eternally and to have it want to be with me as well. The love and comfort of a woman is what I live for. I don't care about fame or glory or riches or success. All I want is the most precious woman in the world to give her heart to me, to need me, to freely express herself to me.
That is what I want and I may never find it. Girls just never "feel [they are] missing a big opportunity" with me.
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