God it's fucking hot in here. The complex says it has the air conditioning on but obviously they do not. I'm sweating my ass off in here. And it's February.
Okay, this was written on February 10, not November 7. I'm catching up on old 'Boxes, as usual. Sorry.
A lot of things happened today. It was a day of fulfillment, a year-long trial that I've finally passed. Not with flying colors, and nothing graceful, but I did it. I have so much to learn.
I reached my first portfolio goal amount today, the goal I've been working towards for a whole year. The day finally came. I did it! Now, I'm in full knowledge that with the NASDAQ going ballistic, just about everything is going up. Even my penny stock is going nuts. I realize that what I've earned trading could've been equalled or surpassed by holding something like JDSU or INFY. But I also realize that what I've learned so far will help me maximize gains in the future. I'm still paying my tuition, but in the future, I'll have a much much better sense of when things look better or worse and when I should buy/sell/add/reduce. Considering the hole I dug myself into when I first started trading, I'm proud that I retained my discipline, kept learning, and persevered. It is a test of one's own character and stick-to-it-iveness.
The best part of it all is that I did it all on my own. This was entirely an internal struggle. I didn't have anyone telling me how to do this. I didn't have a mentor. I didn't have any prior knowledge of how to do this. I didn't wildly pursue someone else's calls. I didn't get lucky by haphazardly buying a stock that happened to go up a lot for no reason. That's always nice, but as far as skill goes, it's much more consistent to find solid companies that have unlocked growth/appreciation in them.
The next goal I've set is considerably higher, but I think that it will be much easier than the first goal. The first goal is like being dropped in the Amazon with bloody steaks tied to your nuts. After you get through that, you gradually become one of the piranha. :P
Today I went to see a movie called "La vie rêvée des anges", which won some Cannes Film Festival Awards or something. I'm sure you've heard of it. Anyway, I saw it by myself (as usual, as I live a life alone and solitary, silent and distant) and I got to thinking about why the main character lives and everyone else dies.
I haven't lied or cheated to get what I have today. In fact, my full disclosure of feelings and emotions and thoughts on things has done more for me than it has harm or invasion of privacy. It's kind of the old saying that the virtuous man is the most successful man. If you gain things in a dishonest or illegal way, you spend the rest of your life trying to conceal that fact. But if you manage to become successful by doing what you love, by always doing what YOU feel is right, by believing in whatever you believe in with all your heart, then it's the most fulfilling emotion you could ever hope to have.
I feel that I have what it takes to be successful without evil or deceitful means. I feel that as long as I follow my heart, that things will continue to go my way. It has never pointed me in the wrong direction before. When I caught up with George on campus the other day, he termed me a "free spirit" that he just couldn't himself be. I'd never been called that before, I think. It resonated to me that it was uplifting to have gotten rid of so many burdens and so many restrictions that I would have no problem travelling around the world without one real place to call home, that I could just drop everything instantly and do whatever my heart told me to and still succeed at doing it. This was what I wanted to become. And somehow, before I even graduated, I'd taken huge leaps towards getting there. That made me very happy. May I have gotten to know Europe quite well in half a year from now. May I continue to do well in whatever I choose to do.
This is not to say, by being virtuous, that one should be a perfect little schoolboy. Certainly there's room for craziness, eccentricity, rulebreaking, and so on. Hell, that's what this way of life allows for! Following what you think needs to be followed, and not following what everyone else is!
But, like in the movie, the main character is carefree and believes in things that others just scoff at, because she sees meaning and heart in it. She goes by what her heart tells her -- that is, she never deceives or betrays herself -- and that's why she is the survivor. Her friend, however, lets herself be abused, deceives herself to try to make herself happy, yet fails. And faces a disastrous end. You must be true to yourself or else you will have no support to fall back on.
And I realize that I will have to fall back on my most fundamental support many times in my life. That's one of the worst things about growing older -- reality kicks in and you are not protected from everything any more and there will be times when things do NOT go your way. When things start going wrong in your life for the first times, it's extremely traumatic. Your invincibility has been stripped away and you feel like you've been wounded for life. You feel as though you are forever damaged and that you will never be the same.
But right now, things are quite good for me. There are definitely parts that need improving, and I'm solemnly waiting for the barrage of bad luck and bad news to come my way (you never see the rucksack on your back), but I know that when that happens, I can trust myself to do the right thing.
And that is something I can fall asleep easily thinking about.
Here's to anyone who ever doubted in me.
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