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"Men and Women and 'The Joke'"

Hey, women, I have a question. What's wrong with you?

How come I always see women hanging around complete losers loosely grouped with the male gender? What is the female obsession with the drop-dead stupid man?


I bring my tray to an empty table which gives me plenty of space to spread out, eat my lunch, and read the day's issue of The Daily Texan. Sitting nearby is a group of college boys and girls, eating lunch together. The women don't really say anything except things like "gross!" and "eww!" while the men burp, yell out so the whole cafeteria can hear them, talk about how fuckable women are to men, that sort of thing.

Excuse me, but is that a hint of excitement I see on those women's faces? What the fuck?

Another example: a group of guys and girls are talking about another girl who is also present. One of the guys says how ugly she is, and the guys agree. The girls of course say nothing.

Also: countless examples of women overheard in class talking about how awful their relationships are going with their men, about how the guys are insulting them in their faces and being unresponsive to them.

Alright, I have a theory. I think these girls dig this kind of treatment. I'm not a feminist or a chauvinist or anything of the sort -- just bear with me while I ramble on and on until finally reaching an anticlimactic point at the end.

I'm not going to go so far as to discuss spousal abuse and rape and that sort of thing -- there's no question that it's the man's problem and the woman shouldn't be held accountable for it. Or if you're going to get picky here, there's no doubt that it's something which should not exist in any form.

But come on... Why do women always go for the same types of guys? Women'll tell you about men they would marry, and men they want in bed. Why these two are exclusive of each other is beyond me. ;) But it seems to me that every woman I know has a story to tell about a man who treated her wrong, and that she has a long history of men like that. Women don't want the men that they should marry! Looks over substance...how familiar that tone rings. "Why does this always happen to me?"

Maybe because they keep falling for the gorgeous, hot-headed male who oozes machismo and cheap American cologne. Maybe because they can't resist the bad boy with the disgusting mouth. Spontaneity and excitement and living on the edge. All that jazz.

Turns out that these guys consider women to cramp their style, to bog them down when they want to hang out with their friends. They have more important things to do than treat their women right and to respect them.

These are the guys who have never acted with any sort of politeness in their entire life in front of a woman. Rambunctious and loud equates to stupid and sophomoric. I don't know if the rest of the world agrees, but I fucking hate loud people.

There's a good deal of this population I wish would just fucking shut up. You could not concoct a Hell fit with the latest in thermal torture and temptation devices that would be as painful to these people as a completely soundproof booth. They need to be heard. And the women coo!

I'm not a tightwad, a conservative, a chivalrous man. If anything, men should always make their women laugh and enjoy themselves. But that's completely different from being outrageously annoying and embarrassing to everyone around you. It's different from listening to shitty punk music, blaring across the whole apartment complex. Different from reducing women to Cock Cozies™ or blowing off school because that's still the cool thing to do.

The official female stance is that men should never say anything derogatory or insulting to a woman, or else it shows he doesn't respect her as an equal. How come I keep seeing women let this go every day? How can you even joke about your woman being stupid or ugly? This is beyond me.

Which is not to say that I think there are good men out there. All men are the same: sex-driven, sex-deprived, socially conditioned twits. If you're a woman looking for the perfect man, good luck. They don't exist.

You have your sleazeballs like the ones afore mentioned who have little on their mind except the first lay and the first touchdown in Saturday's game. You have your working men who find comfort in their work. You have your so-called sensitive men who spend their time alone on the computer. Yeah right -- once you start seeing them, they get too attached and devoted to you and you have to deal with their insecurity issues. You have your average Joe, who doesn't really have anything wrong with him, except he's led such an uneventful life. Did I skip anyone?

So I guess it's not like I leave women with much of an alternative here. Not much I can do about that. Maybe I should be directing this towards men...

oi men andreV, efh, nun eisi gunaikeV,
ai de gunaikeV andreV. kai outw eutecia
h basileia dipla eauthn agaqa epraxen.

"The men, he [Xerxes] said, are now women,
and the women are men. And thus the queen
managed twofold good fortune."

(Modified from Herodotus, VIII.87-88, and
describes the fooling of Xerxes and the
Athenians by the Halicarnassian Queen Artemisia
into thinking she was on their side, when in
fact she was trying to flee. Deception abound!]

Hey men, treat your women right or don't go looking for them in the first place. Respect your women and other women, even when just with other guys. Don't look at women as commodities and remember that you're lucky to even be accepted in their company in the first place. There're a lot of men out there who will never even touch a woman, and here you are grunting and clicking about how cool seeing that pigeon getting run over by a 16-wheeler was, in front of girls who deserve (but don't know) better.

Ah, you know what? Screw it. This is useless. I think 1% of the U.S. population deserves to have someone else. Fuck ya'll. Men decide they want to watch football and tell their wives to tend to their every need, women demand too much out of their men. Everyone gets eightballed in the end. Let's put an end to all this. Let's spay and neuter everyone on this goddamn planet so everyone stays strictly to business. Sure, you'll lose that whole sexual tension dynamic, but so what? Mulder and Scully would get their cases done a lot sooner without the bickering and hair tossing that goes on in that over-the-hill show. It probably results in a lot of lost productivity and more sexual crimes and that sort of thing. The way everyone acts, they don't deserve to be let inside the heart of another human being. I've seen too many shitty relationships in other people to believe that most people deserve each other. Sure, there are those wonderful couples that just surpass all expectations and continue to convert the non-believer. True love exists for the very, very few who understand it and accept it. Not for the careless fuck who takes his girl to "What Dreams May Come" looking to score afterwards.

I propose we support a one-month-limit on going steady.
I think it will keep people more able to deal with weird situations
And get to know more people.
I think if you're ready to go out with Johnny,
Now's the time to tell him about your one-month limit.
He won't mind; he'll appreciate your fresh look on dating.
And once you dated someone else, you can date him again.
I'm sure he'll like it, everyone will appreciate it.
You're so novel, what a good idea.
You can keep your time to yourself, you don't need date insurance.
You can go out with whoever you want to:
Every boy, every boy in the whole world could be yours
If you just listen to my plan, the teenage guide to popularity!

Nada Surf, "Popular"

And what the fuck is with affairs? So you love a person and then in a heartbeat you decide you're going to go off with someone else, just because of sex? Oh, two people find they love each other even more than the first relationship... So they disrespect the first relationship instead of formally ending it, and then pursuing the other one. I won't say that sometimes people find that there's a better person out there after they've met someone -- there are a lot of people on this planet and you can't possibly meet everyone -- but, hey, it's rude to the first person and it's just careless and sick to betray someone's trust. Sometimes, you're lucky and you don't have to deal with ANY of this -- you just get lucky the first time.

It's a wonderful feeling. ;)

But anyway, everyone mistreats each other, everyone doesn't add up to everyone else's standards of dating... It's just a big mess, and I, Ben Turner, have to fucking hear about it while I eat my lunch.

All I want to do is eat my plate of flavorful (after plenty of added salt to counterbalance the five hours of boiling all the cafeteria food) goodness and read my paper. But Miss Jane Oohanotherhunk prattles on and on about how Tony Awwyeahcheckoutthatrack has been looking at other girls and not calling her back on time. I don't ask for much from humanity, really, except the freedom to sit down and think by myself without hearing someone whine about their relationship. And Amy Martin, get over it...Jesus.

Okay, so this has turned from a critique about women to a critique about men before finally morphing into a request for a quiet eating environment for Mr. Turner. Well, I've really done it this time.

"What were the skies like when you were young?"

Here's how my Utopian world would work. Thanks for asking. You would have to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles to get a license to touch other people. Hell yes. If we could make touching people without owning a license illegal, then we could pass some laws enforcing fines and some such. It would be great! Do you know how much money that would generate for public use? Hey, legalize prostitution at the same time and you have all those sexed up people paying prostitutes, who in turn pay taxes. Prostitutes would be servants of the city. Imagine that. And it works out for people who have licenses, as well. If a policeman tears open the door of your van to find you going at it with your partner, you just pull out your wallet and flash that Sex License in his face. Ohh yeah.

It would be a peaceful world where TV shows did not all center around sex, where religion would have 50% of its resources free from the lack of sexual and relationship conflicts. Women wouldn't have to worry about rape crimes. Men could watch football all Sunday without feeling like they should be out violating some woman. With a modification of the marriage license, but for sex, fewer couples would rush into having sex and getting pregnant and whatnot.

Most importantly, I wouldn't have guys sitting next to me, nudging me and telling me what he'd like to do to that girl in the skimpy dress while I try desperately to eat my something-burger.

Area Waitress Has One Hell Of An Ass On Her,
Local Man Will Tell You That Right Now

BEAUMONT, TX--Beaumont-area delivery driver Leon
Riggs is not kidding when he tells you that local
waitress Pamela Wohlper, 24, has one hell of an ass
on her, it was reported Tuesday. "That is one tight,
juicy little ass that waitress has got on her," Riggs
said. "Yes sir, that is one sweet little can, you know
I got that right." Riggs added that you would not
believe the things he would do if he ever got that
ass all to himself.

From The Onion, October 7th issue

What I want is a world which is full of people who don't distract me. I also haven't seen Anna since the beginning of August, and you begin to have less compassion for other, more geographically fortunate couples after awhile. ;) It seems more and more to me that this world has and always will be based on sex, which is fine with me (and actually makes Greek mythology a blast to study)... But when it comes down to having to listen to people spew disgusting amounts of verbal filth into my ears about sex sex sex, excuse me if I tire of it. Like Bill Clinton, I am SO bored of talking about stained dresses.

Some may consider this Soapbox crass, crude, and juvenile, even by my standards. It speaks of a man who doesn't care about his fellow man. He is a man who would have as little contact with others as possible as long as he can still extract what is useful to him FROM them.

Please, please, please just leave me alone; leave me to a world free of such self-inflicted, heavily baggaged, pitiful lives.


Ben Turner, still pursuing his dream for a villa
in the Mediterranean that he shares with his wife,
Anna, all fit with a T3 connection and privacy.

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