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"Proposition 7.9.12.17a"

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I think it's about time we fixed our worldwide 24-hour daily schedule. Currently, we're using an antiquated system of keeping track of days which no longer completely applies to our modern ways of life.

Keep with me on this one. It's good. Stupid, but good. Trust me -- I am an expert in time management, or the lack of it, because of my age and my official position: full-time student. That is my qualification for what I am about to propose. No nine-to-five businessperson or housewife will be able to give you hard, concrete evidence to contradict any of this. I am a master in my field and I offer my expertise to those seeking it for public hearings discussing the following matter.

The system of when a day begins (midnight) to when the day ends (noon) is outdated. Our daily schedule used to simply consist of waking up at 7AM to milk the cows and plow the fields and sit on the porch to chew on straws of long grass. We went inside as it got dark, around 7PM, and ate dinner before going to sleep. Repeated every single day. Dictated by the rotation of the Earth.

But now times are much different. Electricity has brought us inside our homes and away from the outdoors. We no longer have nothing better to do than something productive. Sure, feeding the chickens was fun, but wouldn't you rather be visiting Hustler Magazine's web site? I think you would too. And no, I'm not going to link to that site. You'll have to type it in. Sorry. ;)

Now that we no longer have to get our work done during the day, so we can see what we're doing, we can work later at night and basically mold our schedules to our liking.

And you know as well as I do what human beings love to do with freedom. Waste it! Without even worrying or thinking about it. Freedom is a wonderful thing to take for granted. And absolutely no one does that better than a full-blooded patriotic American.

So in short, we have more work to do with less time spent on doing it. We stay up to ungodly hours in the morning watching TV or playing addictive strategy computer games or doing whatever the rest of the people do. Who wakes up early in the morning besides the few responsible people of the world? Hell, my schedule sometimes starts at noon and ends well after midnight. When the sun comes up and the rooster crows, that's when I start studying for the night! I know I am not alone. I have support if I decide to take this to further lengths.

What I propose is a slight modification:

1) In order to modernize conventional 12AM at night to 12PM at noon days, to create a more efficient method of tracking time, and to mollify the mad throngs of over-excited protesting college students, the National Standards Board will put into effect a system which would begin the standard day at 12PM instead of 12AM.

2) Ergo, 12PM, as it stood before the introduction of this new rule, would then become 12AM on the proposed day.

3) The change will be made completely in one day, minimizing the selected day, to be chosen by a panel of NSB board members, by twelve (12) hours.

4) The change will be made worldwide, as 12PM becomes 12AM in Greenwich standard time.

5) All records of the day will be marked to indicate the loss of twelve hours.

This system may be a bit chaotic to implement worldwide, what with those religious nuts out there who just caught up to the recent standardized way of keeping time, but oh well. The astronomers have it right! They used to start the observing day at 12PM so that their observations at night would all fall under the same calendar day.

I know I stay up late writing junk for this site and often I'll begin before midnight and end after midnight. Now, what date do I put on the what's new page? Do I count when I started it or when I finished it? Life does not need these complexities, my friends. We've modified our calendar for less, in the past. To deny this proposed system would be ignorant. Why, if they intercalated months to just keep up with the stupid Earth's orbit around the sun, can they not change the day so that it matches our schedules better? Unite, my friends, and show the world the frustration of our dilemma!

Aren't you tired of waking up at noon, only to find that the rest of the world thinks you don't deserve to have breakfast since it's past the arbitrary breakfast hours? Isn't it restrictive to require people to modify their schedules so they can make it to breakfast at eight in the morning?

Aren't you tired of starting your day just as stores close? How inconvenient is this? Should they make money for not caring for their potential shoppers?

Do you think I'm just joking? I am completely serious here. I appoint myself the main proponent and representative of this proposition to make our daily time schedule more realistic and applicable to the late twentieth century world. I know I proposed in an earlier Soapbox to lengthen the hours in each day. I know I failed horribly. But I promise to do my best this time around so that you get what you deserve.

You can trust me. <toothy grin>

As representative of this proposition, I present a petition signed by 100,000 college students drawn from all social, economic, racial, and sexual walks of life to bring about this evolution in the conventional system of time-keeping. No longer is it right for students to be punished by a system invented many centuries ago -- the youth and lazy members of the world do not deserve to be misrepresented at all, much less by all time itself.

Please consider this bill carefully -- the future of our younger generations may be confronted with world alienation should you vote against Proposition 7.9.12.17a.

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Ah, so we can always dream...hehe.

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