The 100th Soapbox...
This young man is only nineteen. I've not suffered any physical or financial stress in my life, really, and I don't think anyone should have to in the formative years of one's life. What I've suffered is a lot of emotional alienation from the world which is so omnipresent in my life. Hating what one cannot escape.
For regular readers, this is a review.
There was a time, not long ago, when I didn't really care about learning. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I certainly didn't think about friends and lovers very much. The innocence and ignorance of youth. Some people love that time in their life and they spend the rest of their years trying to capture it again. I don't understand it. Have some people regretted learning things about the world and their lives that they would rather replace all of it with knowing nothing? Does it not say something about the society we live in when people would rather be the equivalent of worthless than a contributing part of mankind?
Just keep running and running from your life, what YOU can't escape either.
My progress was accelerated in high school, once I started taking more advanced courses which exposed me to a wider variety of literature and philosophies. It was at this point when I developed a love for the world and what man can create. I discovered that the world was not just this place that existed, like what I saw on TV. It was full of beauty and full of history. Every place on this planet has a rich and extensive past that holds memories and discoveries for us to find. I saw amazing books and wondrous pictures and paintings. Before, I wouldn't step foot in an art gallery. Now, I'd actually go and see it, if it had good exhibits.
I'm not sure everyone goes through that process of finding warmth and beauty in the world. Some people are stuck in the other mindset, which also developed in my mind during this integral stage in my life, my late teens. Humans, in general, are wild animals relying on instinct. They do anything to satisfy their own interests, greed, and desires. Be careful how you use the words "friend" and "lover". They're so meaningless to most people. People will take advantage of you no matter who you are, as long as it serves their wishes. They and the rest of us see all this lack of honesty and loyalty and apply it to everyone. A deep sense of mistrust in the world. These people see no good in the world and they see no way of correcting it. I never quite reached that extreme -- all I knew was that I had to find a way to separate my life from that whole world and find my own niche. I figured the warmth of my heart was less important than trying to rid my life of the filth that exists out there. Friendships? Romance? Not for me, I said.
So I grew up embittered against a lot of things, using hate and loathing as my passion. It changed me completely. It made me more of an independent thinker and it made me more of an introvert. It made me into a realist, the cynicism counterbalancing the loveliness I'd earlier seen in Earth. To be honest, I could not have asked for anything better to happen in my life. For me, all this angst and pain and hate did nothing but help me and keep me safe from falling prey to the usual maladies of today's teenagers. It made me incredibly perceptive to the world around me. It made me study and look for meaning instead of drink and shoot up. It also did another vital thing...
In the process of covering up my heart, freezing it, and doing anything else I could to keep Dionysian emotion from interfering with Apollonian reason, I spent so much time finding reasons NOT to fall in love that I think I found more reasons TO fall in love. There is no denying it. True, requited love is the greatest thing there is. Without question. I got quite somber when I came to this realization every once in awhile. I thought to myself that I needed a woman, that I deserved a woman, that it was a part of my life that had been unfulfilled. I lamented over thinking that love was something other people would find, but never me. My heart was maturing and gaining in strength and emotion.
I used to think I'd become an adult with a cold heart, the heart to cast anyone out without regret or remorse. But later, I knew that I had a heart that was ready to love, ready to embrace the wonderful things of this world I had not long ago discovered the importance of.
I met Anna. That is to say, we made the transition from e-mails from two strangers to flirting and talking about love. Anna had long intrigued me. There was something profoundly different about her which I could not place.
Later, I finally got the hint that she was not as old as I thought she was (for she acts like someone much more experienced and older than she actually is) and that she was hitting on me, very subtly. ;)
After we started talking in real time, things accelerated very quickly. There was little doubt, and I think that was one of the reasons we were so uncertain about whether we should open ourselves up to loving each other. It was too perfect. You know? The problem with cynics is that things that come too easily, or things having anything to do with Occam's Razor, cause immediate suspicion. ;)
But it was not long before we began to pour out our emotions to each other and to realize the importance we served in each other's life. It was the first time I'd really used my heart. And I found out just how powerful my heart was. I'm still seeing it grow and become warmer for my Anna. All this time, my heart had been yearning to let itself go and love someone, and finally it's had the opportunity to.
Oh, how happy I am! One could not ask for anything better! I feel like I deserve every part of this love (although sometimes I instead feel very lucky to have found someone as perfect and special as Anna is). I feel like I've paid my dues, I've suffered my pains, I've passed the tests. All that hard work rewarded me with Anna. Money, success, and comfort, which all my classmates seek, cannot compare to the Heavenly love Anna and I share. I sincerely believe that. I think Anna and I are stronger than many of the couples out there, certainly those in our age group. In time, we will surpass many other couples in our love, given experience and age.
I continually talk about Anna these days. Every chance I get, practically. Some may be sickened by this. Some may find I'm saying the same things over and over again. But hey...fuck, I've been through a lot to get to this point. I've suffered what seemed like an eternity, without love, without feeling. My life has not been conventional. I was not given the same things others take for granted. So now that I finally have the woman I want to hold in my arms for days and years and lifetimes, you better fucking believe I'm going to endlessly write about it.
You better fucking believe I'm going to talk about my going to Stockholm this Christmas to see my girlfriend more than just this once.
<sneaks a beaming smile>
The course of my life is something I wouldn't change at all, or replace with a "better" life. If you asked me if I would rather have lived my life as someone else, I'd say no. I love my life and I see the logical order which has led me up to this point. I know that my path has given me the most powerful and important experiences one could get, at exactly the right points in my life.
I have the cold, efficient, relentless, scheming wiles of a cutthroat businessman, I have the ever-growing (and admittedly shallow) understanding of how society works, and I have the warm, passionate heart of a man who loves his woman better than anyone ever could.
I am gradually achieving perfection.
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