Where does the future of the Soapbox lie? I'm fairly certain of where my path will take me, at least in a general way -- the specifics will only be known when I experience them. But the Soapbox is something of an entity that must be analyzed and considered. It must have a direction to go in, in the future.
Fred says that sometimes the present creates the future by releasing us of the shackles of the past, but also, the past gives birth to the future by releasing us from the shackles of the present. In order to conceive of a suitable goal for the Soapbox, I must keep my father's words in mind.
The Soapbox is all about the future. It looks at current events and longs for the old days of meaning to return in the future. It points out the hypocrisy and evil and good things that it sees and suggests a correct path for the future. At the same time, the Soapbox sees the present as the evolution of a world away from the conventions of the past. It wants to see a revolution for the future, the seeking of meaning and value to form a pure future.
My site is not deluged with hits and praise and e-mails like other sites are, something they take for granted. The beloved 'Box could not have received more than 30 readers last week, and that's being generous, since I'm sure a majority of those 30 viewers didn't finish the weekly essay, or take the time to soak it in, if they felt it worth it to do so. Most of those 30 people I can figure out who they are (so keep in mind I know if you've been keeping up with me or not) and they're for the most part very close to me and see the Soapbox as a way to figure out how I'm doing, since it's hard to tell otherwise (sorry ;) ).
Not all of us have the comfort of a large, inexhaustible audience.
So why do I do it? Why do I pay for a vanity domain name, housing for the site, and pay for another Internet access account? The about page doesn't say very much. I do this, as I've probably hinted at many times in the past, because I love it, because this is what I am going to be. At the most basic level of inspiration, I do this for myself only. I think writing weekly, divulging my emotions, is something I need to do for myself. This 'Box is pure and will not be tainted, ever. In a world where everything is losing its meaning, this is very important.
I see the 'Box as another contribution of mine to the future. I will be one of the first to be analyzed by historians and psychologists using this extraordinary medium, the Web, should I become famous enough to warrant the attention. My weekly writings are temporary windows into my soul -- unless I am with a loved one, nothing as important will leave my lips. Since late 1995, the viewer has shunned the opportunity to see me develop, to see me begin to think more deeply about things, to see me grow up. I've given people the opportunity to read the thoughts of a teenager growing up in both real and virtual worlds, using the Web as his note pad. Only those who are special to me have seized the opportunity.
I've expressed a great deal of emotions in the Soapbox, from angst, to frustration, to despair, to loathing hate, black as night, to writer's block, to resentment, to even happiness and love. I will admit that my life has been mired so far in a mishmash of pain and angst and a desire for vengeance, so those topics have predominated my writings. True happiness and love have been neglected for such a long time until now, when I think I've come into my own and found a very special woman to help me heal my bruised and scarred heart. You, as the reader, will get to see me encounter a more varying range of emotions now in my writings. It is less certain whether I will write about that really disgusting commercial ploy that's being pulled or about my feelings for the sweetest of them all, the fairest of the Ball, Anna, who crept up on me slowly yet purposefully, like a rolling London fog. People have told me Jung and Freud would have a field day with some of the things I write -- I have no doubt in my mind that I agree with them.
It's really quite scary when I read old Soapboxes. I threw in so many clues as to what my condition was. I remember how I was feeling when I wrote the Soapbox, even if I don't remember writing it (I rarely remember what I write). In a way, the Soapbox has become a more subtle diary (yes, diaries...ick!) than most, and my life will be very well-documented by those who choose to take the time to do so. Gone are the days of losing all of someone's essays, poems, and letters. Gone are the days of only being able to question the occurrence of important events of someone's life. I think this is good, considering how much of Roman literature and whatnot we lost.
So that's what the 'Box has done for me. It has shown me how I got to where I am now. The past and present reveal the future. It, like time, has accompanied me in my travels.
Therefore, I have no intention of killing the 'Box any time soon. I don't care if no one else reads this (Anna doesn't count, for she is me), since this helps me more than it helps anyone else. The continuation of this project will show me where I am to go, what move is most appropriate for my fated journey. I will continue to write exactly as I have been doing since I changed to the new outlook (thinking over ideas, not retelling events) and the Soapbox will continue to speak to its small, loyal audience. I will even write about love now, since I now have been enabled to do so, and the 'Box will continue to mature and become more whole, more complete, like me. The future looks extremely bright, yet quite familiar.
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