9/30/97 - Whineding Down, a Continuation.

     It's been awhile, hasn't it?  Oh, I've been
     busy with exams and various other things.
     Professors all split their semesters into
     three parts so the exams all fall on the
     same few days.  And the Quake clan's been
     busy warring with other clans.  Fun stuff.
     And I've been spending a lot of time
     thinking about Anna and me, about our
     future, about Christmas.

     She is the brightest of the few rays of
     light in my life.  Her love frees me
     from many of my past vices, my past
     inhibitions, my past tendencies towards
     cynicism, and even my past.  Have you
     ever told someone you were *lucky* to
     have found them?  Did you mean it?
     Really.

     I mean it.  Many times, I feel like she
     is too precious and too gifted and too
     perfect for the likes of me, a man who
     has yet been thrusted into the world
     where he must put together what he's
     earned and what he has been given, to
     make himself part of the world.  I am
     young.  I have much to do before I'll
     be secure in my own identity.  And
     sometimes, like this past weekend,
     it gets to me.  She knows how I feel,
     and I couldn't articulate it this
     clearly then, but I do think that
     I have a long way to go before I can
     say I am an accomplished, responsible
     man who deserves her heart.

     I know it's paranoid to think about
     that so young.  Keep in mind, it was
     just over the weekend. ;)  What Anna
     and I have the opportunity to do is
     to grow up together, to become adults
     together, to make names for ourselves
     together.  I cherish that, and I feel
     that early bond we've formed will
     strengthen our trust beyond any point
     a couple could reach if they'd met
     *after* settling into careers.

     My lips move, now, to kiss Anna, but
     I must wait a few more months in order
     to do so.  The patience required is
     not there because I have that quality,
     but only there because I don't have a
     choice.  I suppose I also know, though,
     that Anna and I will have plenty of
     time to spend together in physical
     contact, and that we both know we must
     wait.  That calms me.

     But the last weekend and the last .plan
     made me realize just how much work I
     have to do.

     I came to grips with the fact that
     all my work so far is pretty much
     unknown to all those except those close
     to me.  benturner.com?  Hell, get rid
     of it tomorrow and it would be just
     another site.  No impact, no discussion,
     nothing.

     And that hurts when you think about how
     much effort you put into it and how much
     you've contributed to the online
     community.  We all know it -- a lot of
     the personal sites really do suck.  But
     they still get fame.  Why does this work
     out that way?  How cruel is that?

     The ungrateful child.  Maybe that's why
     I have some compulsion to make peoples'
     lives better without their knowing who
     I am.  Maybe I don't need the fame and
     recognition, but just the knowledge that
     I'm affecting the world.

     Do you understand how much of a relief it
     was to me when I found out Anna was in
     love with me?  A beautiful, brainy woman!
     In love with me!  Affected by me!  Oh,
     that just does worlds for the alienated...

     Where am I going with this .plan?  I'm
     not sure.  I think I just wanted to say
     how much the reality of what I've thought
     and written about is kicking in.

     It will affect my philosophy about things,
     and I sure hope the time will come when
     I can do something about these insecurities
     I have instead of being helplessly plagued
     by them.

     Whoever said being loved by a true woman
     still wasn't worth it is lying.  Or he
     doesn't yet appreciate the luxury he has.
     Because I know that whatever I've
     accomplished (or not), being with Anna is
     when I'm the happiest and the most complete.
     Without her...well, without her would be
     a suffering unequalled.

     And whoever said it's 100% fun being a teen
     who doesn't have to get a job and can just
     coast by college never met me.  I take this
     very seriously, my education and financial
     independence, and I'm not here to fuck
     around like a typical teenager.

     I have a lot to learn but I'm very ready
     for when I'm freed from university
     course requirements.  And if you think I'm
     just like the rest of the people my age,
     well, you haven't been paying attention.

     It's not their strongest goal to find
     sweet revenge in the world by becoming
     the most successful or the most complete.
     It's not their goal to make people older
     than them look bad, to crush stereotypes.

     But you know...

     That sure as Hell is MY goal.

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